Kim Jong-Il Wasser

My mother always says, "you don't get bored..  you get boring." As I find myself every Wednesday night in a class from 6-9pm painstakingly bored, I have started to accept that it may just be me.

In this  "world negotiations and affairs" class, our final project is to simulate the 6 party talks. For all those including myself who have no idea what the 6-party talks are... they are negotiations between North and South Korea, Russia, China, Japan, the US, and the UN, mainly revolving around North Korea's Nuclear Program.  And while your thinking, if thats not boring I don't know what is, my professor gave us all an opportunity to stop being bored and transversely, so boring. 

We were each assigned roles, and my professor clearly seeing my star power, or the fact that I hadn't yet purchased a textbook, made me Kim Jong-Il. 

For those who don't know 'little Kim', as he stands 5 foot 3 inches, he is the actual axis of the axis of evil, dictator of North Korea, and almost every question was going to be fielded eventually to him, or well.. me. What my professor didn't realize is that I am not one to take starring roles lightly. Do you honestly think that you can make me Kim Jong-Il and have me not take full advantage? He might of thought himself tricky by testing my knowledge, however I hail from Crafty City: Population: Me.

My plan prey tell? I would make up for all I lacked in knowledge with creativity. Rather then write my paper that has been outstanding for a good two weeks (what! the email I sent didn't go through... again!?), I found myself rummaging thrift shops and costume stores searching for the perfect outfit that would just scream communist dictator. Although I should take a serious look into my time management, what I found? Gold.

As most Wednesday nights, I am supposed to be reading the subtitles of Korean movies, however find myself doing anything but, I've become excellent at the "Easy Kentucky Crosswords Online", and have become a overwhelmingly more efficient facebook creep - move over, "I Know What You Did Last Summer", I can now walk into a lecture hall, look around the room and script, "I Know What All of You In the Back Row did Last Night" This being said, the fact that I hadn't read all semester meant only one thing: I have to give this all I've got, which certainty isn't information so I will refer to another one of my mothers fond sayings; "You don't have to be the smartest person in the room - as long as you look the best".... and I did. So good in fact, I felt the need to share.

Enter Kim Jong-Il [Wasser] to the podium please:

Oh no... this is no joke. What was a joke however was the proceedings that took place AFTER I rented a zip car, found out that someone actually owned a full on, khaki jumpsuit, followed by my bringing a woman's wig to my hair guy who laughed, and then started cutting.

"Delegates" from all countries arrived in full ego and preposterous seriousness. Condi-sleez-a Rice actually snarled at me, South Korea wouldn't share their cookies and representatives from China,.. don't even get me started. The only team that had anyone normal who realized that we were in fact, not in the UN, but next to a starbucks in the School of Management study lounge was Russia. When Russia is the only straight thinking nation... what in the hell is going on. 

Simulation 1: While being Kim Jong-Il means that everyone greets you with hostility, I took matters into my own hands by replying with outlandish statements such as, "Do you know who I am? Talk to me that way again, you'll be getting your thank you note via missile" and when the US tried to say it sent good will through the NY Philharmonic's visit to North Korea as a negotiating tactic, I informed them, "I've heard the NY Philharmonic... it wasn't such a gift."

Lets just say the UN wasn't pleased.  

Simulation 2: A COUP HITS NORTH KOREA and Kim Jong-Il is out. You have got to be kidding me. Do you know how long it took me to find an authentic jacket, wig, glasses, platforms and jumpsuit!? In a moment of panic, I think... What Would Kim Jong-Il do? I know! Strike a deal with Putin to have Russia back my new regime and get me back into power and out of exile. Apparently, we were not allowed to do that. Strike 2? I think Kim Jong-Il would whine, and he would definitely not go down without a fight. Furthermore, now who I am going to say I am... some idiot who happens to have a striking resemblance to the prior dear leader? Assuring all nations of the world that my people will not be happy if I am not there to extend their work hours, spend their wages on the military, and create international unrest - somehow this was not persuasive enough and Kim Jong-Il was now deceased.

If James Lipton could see me now, this is what he would call an actors delima. I have been written out of the script, but there I am - still standing, in full costume. Taking the high road, I decide to stay in character. If I were little Kim, I'd be pissed. I wouldn't be taking this lying down! I put that snake general in power, and by george, I will take him out, and all before 9pm. Channeling the anger of Kim Jong-Il and of course none of my own for the fact that my entire day has gone to waste and my wig is starting to get itchy, I did what any manical dictator would do. Negotiations went from marginally intelligent to this: 

To the Nations present:
Are you willing to do anything to help us keep south korean special forces off our shores? 
signed from the grave,
kim jong-il

Lil' Kim:

What are you willing to give us for that? Land perhaps? A hand in the government?
Putin

Vlad - 
No land, no hand... just the urn of Kim Jong-il and good will in the future of dealing with this new bullshit regime.